


By The Numbers

by Thyme (cupidsbow)



Series: By The Numbers [1]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Bad Fic, M/M, Meta, Parody, Series:By-the-Numbers, Thyme
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2008-09-19
Updated: 2008-09-19
Packaged: 2017-10-02 00:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cupidsbow/pseuds/Thyme
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why yes, yes I have been trawling fanfiction.net. Why do you ask? Also, and not co-incidentally, this is a raw first draft; unspellchecked, unbetaed, and not even re-read. In case you're wondering, it's brilliant genius stuff and I love it really a lot. You should definitely read and comment. If you do, I promise not to write more of it :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 8 ways not to write a fanfic

**Author's Note:**

> **Cover:** Now with a glorious full-colour cover by the genius sandrainthesun.

### 1.

It was a cold, wintery night as Rodney stood alone on his balcony, looking up at the alien moons, listening to the melancholy wash of the sea below. All he had ever wanted was love, but after Duranda, he knew he was never going to be loved by the one he wanted.

Rodney had wanted the cocky pilot, John Sheppard, from the first moment he'd seen his crazy, untameable hair in Antarctica. Wanted him from that first wide-eyed, "Did I do that?" But now Rodney knew all his dreams and hopes were destroyed, having seen the coldness in John's eyes when Rodney had tried to apologise.

Rodney bit back a sob. If he couldn't have John, everything was pointless, and it was so ironic that it was only now, now that he'd lost everything, that Rodney finally understood his sister Jeannie's choice to make a family and give up science. Rodney would give anything to make the same choice with John.

Inside, Rodney's iPod started playing Celine Dion, and it made something in Rodney's chest feel like it was breaking.

 

### 2.

Major John Sheppard, Military Commander of Atlantis, stared hungrily after Rodney's retreating ass. It was day three After Duranda, and his plan to drive Rodney so crazy he'd finally fall into John's bed was going perfectly.

John rubbed his hands together. Yes. A few more days of the cold shoulder, and Rodney would be so desperate to please, he'd do anything. It was perfect!

John ignored the little pang, deep inside that said Rodney had suffered enough. After all, Rodney had betrayed him. A little suffering in return was only fair.

 

### 3\. 

Doctor Rodney McKay, Chief Scientist of Atlantis, knew he wasn't very good with people. It was just a fact of life. Oh, sure, he was a genius, but only in the things that were quantifiable, unlike messy human emotions.

Of course, that theory had all been blown to shit when he really started to understand Uncertainty Theory, and yet he still couldn't understand what it meant that John Sheppard, Major Pain in the Ass, was insisting Rodney stay on the team. Even as John refused to look Rodney in the eye, or kick him under the table, as had been his wont during meetings before Duranda. But it was all done now. Rodney bit back a whimper at the loss... but just then John -- and Rodney should really go back to calling him _Sheppard_ again now, he supposed -- leaned back in his chair, pushing a little away from the conference table, just enough for Rodney to see the strip of bare skin where his tight black t-shirt was riding up.

Rodney shivered in reaction. Oh, God. He was doomed. How could he leave Atlantis now? Even though it was torture to stay, leaving would be worse if it meant he never got to be ignored by John again!

"Okay!"Elizabeth said, tapping her fingers on the table. "I agree, John! Rodney should stay on the team. Moving on--"

"Thank the Ancestors," muttered Teyla.

 

### 4.

_flashback_

I saw Rodney, just standing there, staring up at the moon, the heartbreaking strains of Celine Dion wafting across the space between us, separating us, and I knew that I couldn't break his heart any more. Maybe I couldn't forgive him yet, but he had to know I still respected his work, and could treat him professionally in the field. Yes, I was going to speak to Elizabeth and insist Rodney stayed on team. That much I could do.

It would be hard. Just looking at the stab of pain in Rodney's eyes every time I turned my back made something in my chest seize up. Ever since that moment Kolya had taken a knife to him, I'd known it was love. But that just made it harder to forgive him, not easier, when Rodney had done the equivalent of stabbing a knife into me during Duranda.

It made me wonder if love was always like this; a constant cycle of unintended pain.

Rodney turned to go inside, and my heart screamed -- _just one more minute_ \-- it had been so long since I'd had a chance to look my fill at anything but his luscious ass. But it was not to be. He turned and walked away, and I was left alone on the balcony, with nothing but the lonely cry of a distant seabird breaking the still of the night just like the loss of our friendship was slowly breaking my heart.

_end flashback_

 

### 5\. 

Rodney steeled himself. He was going to have to do it. Right after the meeting. It was time to face facts. He was never going to have Jo... no, Sheppard, and he was sick to death of pretending otherwise. Sheppard would never admit there was anything more than friendship between them -- not even that now -- and it was time Rodney stopped being a doormat. Dammit! Sheppard was practically lying by pretending there was nothing between them! How was Rodney meant to trust him now?

John pushed away from the lunch table, once more not looking at Rodney as he said goodbye to the rest of the team, and Rodney's heart cried out at the unfairness of it. God, he just wanted to run after John, drop to his knees and beg for forgiveness. Or maybe offer a blowjob. But, no! He banished that thought from his mind. John was worth so much more than a tawdry fuck. But Rodney had to try to forget all that now. He was done with Sheppard. Done.

"So done!" Rodney said, trying out the shape of the word, seeing if he really meant it.

"Awesome," Ronon said, snatching up Rodney's jello.

 

### 6.

> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do_
> 
> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do_
> 
> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do_
> 
> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do_
> 
> _Tonight I wanna give it all to you_
> 
> _In the darkness_
> 
> _There's so much I wanna do_
> 
> _And tonight I wanna lay it at your feet_
> 
> _cause girl, I was made for you_
> 
> _And girl, you were made for me_

Tonight was the night! John's plan was finally going to come to fruition. He was going to make Rodney get on his knees and beg... and then he was going to plow Rodney's ass!

> _I was made for lovin' you baby_
> 
> _You were made for lovin' me_
> 
> _And I can't get enough of you baby_
> 
> _Can you get enough of me?_

The only thing that would make it better was if Rodney loved him back. But John pushed that wish away and locked it at the back of his heart. Sex would be enough. It would have to be.

John could no longer trust Rodney enough to risk giving him his heart.

"Dude!" one of the marines paused in his inventory count, and turned to Seargent Paxton, "Turn it up. I love this part!"

> _Oh, can't get enough, oh, oh_
> 
> _I can't get enough, oh, oh_
> 
> _I can't get enough_
> 
> _Yeah, ha_
> 
> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do_
> 
> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do_
> 
> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do_
> 
> _Do, do, do, do, do, do, do_

 

### 7.

Pushed too far by despair, Rodney walks along the east pier in a fog of misery. How can he give John up? _How_? It would be easier to re-charge a ZPM than give up this longing he felt for the tow-headed Major. _Wait_... Rodney paused, mid-step, suddenly inspired. Re-charging the ZPM! Of course. How had he not seen how before?

He turned abruptly to rush back to the lab and tell Zelenka, just as a marine shouted, "Heads-up, Doc!"

But it was too late. The last thing Rodney saw was a frisbee headed straight towards his precious brain... and then darkness swallowed him whole.

"Shit," a fading voice said from very far away, "the Colonel's going to kill us if we've broken his fuck buddy."

 

### 8.

John stood beside the infirmary bed, staring down at Rodney's still, pale body. After hours of scanning Rodney's head, Dr Beckett had said he would live, but that amnesia was likely when Rodney woke up.

It was all so clear now. John had been cruel, had hurt Rodney to the bottom of his soul. And he couldn't do it anymore. He had to tell Rodney the truth! The minute he woke up! Even if Rodney didn't know who John was! Life was too short to waste on useless recriminations!

John leaned over and pressed a gentle kiss to Rodney's lips.

Rodney's eyes fluttered open. "John," he said, one week hand coming up to rest in the touselled, messy nest of John's hair. "Is this a dream?"

"No, Rodney," John said, kissing him again. "It's just a wake-up call. I'm sorry I've been such a jerk. You know I love you, right?"

Rodney peered up at him shyly. "You do? I mean, of course you do. I love you too."

"Oh my god, I'm going to be sick," said Captain Hjortsen from the next bed, just before vomiting into the kidney basin thrust under her chin by nurse Cattalan.

"I'm so happy," Rodney said, tears filling his eyes. "Although I have this terrible feeling I've forgotten something important."

"Forget about that," John said. Then he wiggled his eyebrows and whispered, "All that matters is that as soon as we're alone I'm going to fuck you limp."

"Yes," said Rodney, his heart swelling with uncontainable joy. "Use me the way I deserve until you can trust me again."

Swallowing the lump in his throat, John leaned forward and kissed him again, burrowing into his mouth like a parasite that was never going to leave. Because as far as John was concerned, they were joined forever now, and they'd work everything else out later.

_finis_

* * *

**Author's final note:** I've needed to get that off my chest for a while now. *squishes fic*


	2. With 6 You Get Unicorns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See, it's like this. To be a true representative of the badfic genre, a story must be part of a sprawling unfinished series, right? Right. And I know I promised not to write any more in this 'verse if you left lots of comments, and you all more than lived up to your part of the bargain. But you guys, sandrainthesun made an awesome cover! And it has unicorns! If that is not crying out for a sequel, I don't know what is. Also? Don't say I didn't warn you, because this is so bad, I can't even believe it myself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **For:** This was meant to be a thank you to sandrainthesun for her glorious art, but giving someone a badfic doesn't seem like such a great gift, so, um... it's the thought that counts?

### 1.

"Oh God," Rodney husked, his voice almost gone from screaming. "John, I can't, I can't..." He was slick with sweat, his whole body tense, his needy fuckrod dripping all over his belly, just begging to be touched.

It was the hottest thing John had ever seen, but he didn't want their first time to be over too soon, so he went back to teasing: he sucked a kiss on Rodney's sensitive neck, making him arch and shout his name again. "Shh, sweetie," he crooned. "We've only just begun, and I'm gonna fuck you all night long."

"Yes," Rodney begged, his eyes rolling back, showing the whites. "Do me, do me, make it hurt!"

Careful not to get tangled in the chains joining the nipple-clamps to the cockring around Rodney's raging tumescence, John nibbled the shell of Rodney's ear, and then boldly stuck his tongue in the hole.

"Nooooo!" Rodney screamed, his naked body shivering like a dog just out of a bath as a jet of cum shot from his cock and hit the underside of his chin. "Uh. Uh. Uh." Jet after jet of hot cum.

John wrapped his hand around Rodney's manhood and milked the last of Rodney's jism. He was feeling smug. Not only was that the hottest orgasm he'd ever seen, but now he'd be able to fuck Rodney while he was limp with exhaustion. It was going to be so good.

"Oh, God," Rodney said, finally opening his eyes again and staring at John. His expression was odd, but John wasn't worried until Rodney suddenly pushed him away and babbled out, "I'm so sorry. God, I'm sorry. I won't do it again. I promise."

He was up off the bed before John could get his lust-fogged wits together, and had pulled on his pants while John was dazedly saying, "What? Rodney, where are you--" and then he was grabbing the rest of his clothes, casting a guilty glance at John over his shoulder, and was out the door, nipple-clamps glinting in the waning moonlight.

"Well, shit," said John, staring down at his dick, which was still diamond-hard. He glanced at the door, then down at his dick. Door. Dick.

Damn Rodney anyway. There were some choices a man should just never have to make.

 

### 2.

The doors out onto the piers swished open, startling Dr Shaylindra, but it was just Rodney who barged through, so she went back to checking the algae traps at the end of the pier.

Rodney stopped before he reached her, and stood braced against the railing staring up at the last sliver of moon, which was hanging low in the starlit sky. "What have I _done_?" Rodney murmured. He seemed to barely noticed the beauty of the scene.

Dr Shaylindra, stayed in the shadows, gazing at the sad curve of Rodney's naked back. She pushed the lustrous locks of her blonde hair out of her eyes so that she could see him better, catching a glimpse of her moon-limned reflection in one of Atlantis's windows as she did so: the green of her normally bright eyes was dulled with worry in response to the aura of Rodney's pain, the pale ivory of her skin was even paler than usual in the dim light. Her uniform was a little damp from her experiments and clung to her slender frame like a second skin. Rodney covered his eyes with one hand and groaned, and Dr Shaylindra shivered in sympathy.

He was so lost in his misery that he didn't even hear her approach, and he startled at the touch of a concerned hand on his arm. "What?" he snapped, bristling defensively, but she just looked at him.

After a moment his shoulders slumped in defeat, and he looked at her with the same hopeless expression he'd worn when the two of them had been stuck in the time dilation field for three months. It broke her heart, and she determined at once that she would fix whatever was wrong.

Ever since Katie Brown had left Atlantis, Dr Shaylindra had allowed herself to hope... but she had always known that Rodney would never be hers. His love for the Colonel shone like a sun going nova, and she had resigned herself to being the best friend she could be. Now it seemed that Rodney's bright love was flickering and in danger of going out.

Putting aside her own feelings, she gently asked, "Is it the Colonel?" At Rodney's nod, she said, "What happened? It can't be that bad." For she knew that they could never really hurt each other, because their love was as true as gravity, even though they were both hot-headed men and they often said things in the heat of the moment that they didn't mean.

"Oh, Shaylindra, it's hopeless," Rodney said. "I've ruined everything." And then his breath hitched, and Shaylindra gently pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder and he sobbed with uncontrollable loss.

 

### 3.

John sat in the dark of his room, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. He had taken care of business and then followed Rodney down to the east pier, only to see him in a clinch with Dr Shaylindra.

A dark, racing feeling swept through John -- Rodney was _his_ and no marine biologist was going to take him away!

John ruthlessly pushed the feeling down, just as he had every time it had tried to rise up and take him over in the last half hour. Because he couldn't help but remember the panicked look on Rodney's face after he'd come -- as though he'd been scared of having sex with John. Maybe Rodney had left like that because John had let something slip! Maybe Rodney knew John's secret and was disgusted. And John couldn't really blame him. He'd run halfway across the universe to try and escape the legacy of his family, but it was time to face facts: he couldn't escape himself.

So maybe if Rodney could find happiness with someone else -- someone normal -- John should let him, even if the dark tide within his blood was drumming out the urgent imperative to fuck Rodney hard -- right _now_ \-- and stake his claim so deeply in Rodney's heart that no one would ever be able to break it!

 

### 4.

The first Rodney knew that something was wrong was when a shiver of revulsion ran down his spine. And then Shaylindra was gasping, taking a step back, and when Rodney turned, there was _Kolya_ surrounded by swirling arms of light.

"But you're dead!" Rodney gasped.

"You didn't really think you'd get away from me that easily, did you?" Koala gloated. "I took a leaf out of the Ancients' book and looked into ascension. And now," he gave Rodney a savage grin, "I'm going to make you pay for what you did to me and mine!"

One of the arms of light stabbed out and thrust itself into Rodney's forehead, and the pain was so intense that Rodney barely noticed Shaylindra slipping away.

 

### 5.

John was in the mess, glaring at the glass of orange juice in front of him, which he might as well drink now that he no longer had Rodney, when his earpiece crackled and it was _her_. He didn't want to hear it, but his ear tuned in automatically when she said, _Kolya_ and _ascension_ and _Rodney_. John's blood ran cold, and he was out of the mess supernaturally fast.

Over the radio, John could hear Zelenka's voice saying, "There is no way to stop such an energy being! Ele merece a morrer. Então o seu trabalho será mina!"

But Zelenka was wrong. John knew a way, and even if he'd lost Rodney forever, it would still be worth risking everything to save him!

John dashed out onto the pier, running full tilt towards Kolya and Rodney.

Koyla saw him immediately, and he smiled, stabbing another glowing tentacle into Rodney's body. Rodney screamed. John saw red.

"Let him go, or I'll kill you," John said.

Kolya laughed. "And how do you plan to do that?" he said.

"The usual way," said John, and let the dark need to ravish Rodney and claim him as his own take over, rushing through his body and rippling along his skin, until he was standing on the pier in his real form -- the cool dawn breeze ruffling his mane, his powerful flanks powering him towards his target. John lowered his head, aiming his horn right at Kolya's ascended heart, knowing the magic in it would destroy any evil it touched.

Kolya's eyes widened as he realised that he was in danger, and he swung Rodney around so that he was directly in John's path! John tried to slow, but his momentum was too great.

And then Shaylindra was there! Pushing Rodney aside and out of harm's way!

John's skidded the last few inches forward, his horn piercing Shaylindra, passing through her, and stabbing into Koyla.

"Curse you!" Kolya shrieked, "Don't think this is the end, Sheppard!" He writhed on the end of John's horn, and then exploded into a puff of spangly dust.

Dr Shaylindra, her ash-blonde hair waving a little in the breeze, took one last gasping breath and reached out to touch John's mane. "Rodney loves you so much," she whispered. "Be good to him." And then she closed her eyes and disappeared in a flash of white light.

John felt a terrible regret for having judged her so harshly.

"John?" Rodney said weakly, staring up at him from where he was lying sprawled on the deck. "Is that really you?"

John lowered his head and gently touched Rodney with his horn, healing the wounds Koyla had made in his mind. Then he changed back into his human shape before sadly turning and walking away, knowing that Rodney couldn't want him now that John's terrible secret had been exposed.

 

### 6.

Rodney knew he wasn't good enough for John; he'd known all along, although it had been nice to pretend for a while. But then his terrible failure to hold off his orgasm until John's command had driven the point home: he was hopelessly outclassed.

And now he knew why. John was even more special than Rodney had dreamed. He was a unicorn! It almost wasn't a surprise, because John had always been so magical -- just a little too _good_ to be entirely human. Rodney would remember the rippling power of John's body as it changed into that glorious equine form for the rest of his life. He would do anything to touch John's mane, just once.

That wasn't why he was standing outside John's door, however. He was there to make sure John knew his secret was safe. Rodney would never tell. And if this was the last time he got to have an intimate conversation with John... well. He'd just learn to live with the loss. Reluctantly, he pressed the chime.

The door slid open, and all Rodney's assurances dried up on his tongue. John was standing there with just a towel wrapped around his waist, and beads of water dripping down his chest. John seemed just as tongue-tied, as though he hadn't expected Rodney to be the one outside his door, and they stared at each other for a long moment.

Rodney wasn't sure what happened next, but the door was sliding shut behind him and they were kissing and kissing like they'd never get enough of each other.

"Mine," John growled, as though it was that simple; as though he didn't care that Rodney wasn't good enough; as though Rodney was everything to him.

Rodney went instantly hard. "Yes," he said, "yours," and he shivered with the memory of John's powerful flanks and the way they'd shone silver in the dawn light. He found himself confessing, demanding: "Ride me, take me, make me yours."

And John kissed him again before pushing him down on the bed, saying with an affectionate smile at odds with the strength of his body, "Oh, Rodney. Yes, yes, I'll ride you like you've never been ridden before. From now on, you'll always be my little pony."

_finis_

* * *

**Final note:** I told you! But did you listen? Oh, noooo. Well, I hope you're happy now. *hands out sporks and brainbleach*


End file.
